Mental Health Thread • Page 113

She has done everything to do so except finding ways to financially and physically sabotage. As of now it's just been a lot of talk, disrespect of my woman on every level from race to the "seductress" angle. Iunno my mom has a lot of unchecked mental health issues, especially dealing with things like paranoia and borderline skizophrenia and it manifests in the worst way in times like this.

As for having to tell her, technically it's impossible not to be obvious since I do live with them atm still.

 

Well, good luck with telling her when you do. You are long overdue to get out of that situation, my man

 

Thank you, I appreciate that. I barely scrapped the surface here but I feel that it's not too needed. It's just something that's sad from multiple angles for me cus EVEN AS A KID I was the cornball family driven type. I always wanted the day to come where I move on and it be somewhat smooth but.... going back to being 16 I had them signs itd never be that. Just something a lil jarring that a decade later is still an issue and while I know itll be better in time I know her well enough to know she'll be a monster until she's domesticated.
As a child, from all the angles I could get into but wont to spare the length and respect all that shit, it's tiring to just wanna make your own progress in life... and have to pay tolls to your parent based off paranoia and faked sense of sudden "Well remember I did that for you!?!?!" As if they could use that against me cus I would NEVER openly throw that into my own future child's face.
Plus tbh, this may sound cold and perhaps asshole-ish. But I have a lifetime of baggage and both literal and metaphorical taxes I have to pay for yall and you never even respected my speaking up since I was 7. I don't know I know I have every right to be SOOOO bitter but "That's still your Mom tho THEN ON TOP OF THAT "thats still your girl though with all that crazy shit she said". Rock meet hard place.
*breathes out* it's literally only 2 weeks away. fuck it, it's just tiring and even exhausting before going in knowing it'll be insane before it starts.

 

Same for me. My dad had an affair and the lasting psychological impact it had on my Mother was incredible - she was a shell of herself for years and my brother and I were a target of some pretty intense rage throughout (one time she literally started kicking my brothers ass while he was in the shower!!!). She is a lot better now that she is married to my stepdad but she still just isn't the same. It fucked all of us up and I have literally had less "love" in my life since the day that my dad moved out. My brother detests me, and he & my Dad do stuff all the time without me (don't really care though) and my mother spends more "family time" with my step-family than us.

Coupled with the fact I have literally one friend, my life is pretty empty and, if I'm honest, I haven't got what it takes to do anything about it.

 

Im so sorry bb. I can totally relate. My parents both cheated on each other but both acted like the other was more wrong lol. But my mom went from being like my primary caregiver and best friend to partying and drinking and getting arrested for hitting my older sister. My life became babysitting my little sister so my mom could go out, and I lost all my friends from that coupled with the depression I was going thru. It's just never been the same. She remarried and we all hate her husband. she gave up custody of my little sister to pack up and move to where he lived so her priorities suck. Luckily my dad went the opposite route and got help and is awesome.

I'm sry you had to go thru any of that. I know parents are human and make mistakes but it sucks (understatement lol) when Kids are involved and so heavily impacted. Idk if I'll ever get past it all. Makes me extra happy tho when I see divorced parents so intent on coparenting and doing what is best for the kids instead of being all petty and bitter and dragging everyone down.

 

My Dad literally acted like human garbage during that time and a part of me will never forgive him. I was lucky in that my Mum still did right by us and we were able to "enjoy" a normal teenage life (I was 15/16, my brother 12/13), but the stress and pain she carried with her from it all would inevitably be directed at us at times and we would fear her rage - not nice to fear your Mother, and not nice for her when her kids fear her. It seems both our mothers struggled with the stress and both lashed out at our siblings! There's no excuse but I feel sad for my mother just as much as my brother when she beat him, because to be stressed enough to attack your own kid must be horrible.

My dad is so lucky he didn't have to go through what the 3 of us he left did, but his bond with us suffered so it's his loss in the end - but I also still feel sorry for him as he has/had mental/physical health issues that mean he was just miserable also.

I will literally never get married as a result of this, because I will not risk putting any children I (may) have through something like that, and also I do not trust any marriage to last anyway. Sorry for the wall of text but, if you guys ITT hadn't guessed, I have no-one to talk to at all in my life!!!

 

Turn on some music in the AM, have a little dance party and I promise it will start your day off with positive and good vibrations.

 

Oh yeah I feel the exact same way about marriage. I mean I wouldn't totally rule it out for sure, but after living thru that I've never been really hyped on the idea of it and don't have a huge desire to do it. Maybe if I meet someone who changes my mind, but as of now I'm pretty eh on the whole idea

 

How do you determine if your therapist is "good"? I feel like he should lead the conversation but sometimes we just sit in silence, with him waiting on me to say something. I don't like to openly discuss feelings so it's a bit hard for me to just keep talking. I think if he asked the right questions or whatever, that we'd get more out of a session. I don't know though, just thinking (typing) out loud.

 

It's who works best personally and hard to define unfortunately, but ultimately you're in charge and I get it I'm also bad about talking about feelings

 

When I get upset at people I have this mindset of "what if something were to happen to them and this is the last convo we have? Is it worth getting in my feelings over?" and I get over it quickly. The problem is nobody else has that mindset and I get walked on all the time. I need to shift it to "What if something happens to me and I spent my life pleasing others and making them feel better while paying myself dust?" I'm such a people pleaser that it's like instinctual for me to not wanna make an inconvenience for anyone else. I've been doing better with it but have a long ways to go

Like my friend I'm mad at, usually she knows she messed up and apologizes. This time she hasn't. I'm grappling with whether I'm just being ridic or if we've hit an impasse. I think I have reason to be annoyed but am overblowing it because of a build up of past grievances. I know she cares about me, but I'm over feeling like the afterthought all the time. It's not personal - it's how she is with most people, but I struggle with if I wanna be around that anymore vs. being friends for over a decade. meh. That "We accept the love we think we deserve" quote can be annoyingly accurate sometimes.

 

I'm tired of always being the one who messages first. I'm supposed to be the introvert here. It makes me feel like I'm not wanted.

 

Just so stressed and worn out right now that my jaw ache is back. Sigh. Least I have a three-day weekend.

 

Had a pretty big meltdown earlier. Talked to my boyfriend through it. In many ways I still feel like I'm a teenager - I still feel that if I open up, people will leave. I know that he won't but everyone else has and I'm struggling to maintain a friendship that can turn out great. I still have those feelings of worthlessness, anxiety and still feel lost. I think I haven't developed a lot of skills because of such severe depression and anxiety in high school and it's really hard when I'm hit with it again. I try so hard to look after myself and do good things every day but right now it doesn't feel like I've made much progress. Sorry this post is all over the place :/ my boyfriend told me he's here and he'll carry the weight with me. That means a lot. He also said we can cry about things together any time. He's so very good to me and wants to marry me even though I'm such a mess. Don't know what I've done to deserve such love tbh

 

being between my toxic family and my girl in this time pre-move been crazy. I know theyre worried for me and I get it but they've made this well..... damn near impossible and shes been worried and I get it from both side but only one been totally disrespectful & irrational attack on my lady off jump.... so its sad but here we are. blah.
I'm super happy to be taking this next step, but its unfortunate there is this damper. Either way the step is gonna be taken but idk.....

Its hard to get most to understand a life without that family support but I honest to god never knew a family that didn't guilt, shame, mock, and just disregard any stances that didn't fall in line with their own, and idk, I'm closer to 30 than 20 now and I'm still learning to operate in lieu. blah.

Hence why I'm leaving lol.

 

Sorry this is going to be long. This is the first place I've found where I can actually vent to people who might understand. Also, do we do TWs here? I'll do one anyway: TW drug abuse and suicide (just ideation/a half-hearted attempt)

March/April has been really intense for me. I started getting manic towards the end of March. The first week I got manic, I found out my boyfriend (now ex) might lose his job and take a job at a remote summer camp and then go away to college in the Fall. I don't remember why I did this, but the following Tuesday after my episode started I took 5mg of Klonopin and told him about it because I was afraid I'd need to go to the emergency room (I don't actually know how dangerous Klonopin is). I don't remember why I did it and that really freaks me out. I thought I was done abusing my prescription. Anyway, it freaked him out too. But a couple days later he talked to his boss and lost his job, and decided to take the job at the summer camp. This led to a breakup for two reasons: the first is that we would only be able to talk through letters and see each other twice for three months, and the second is that he always told me he doesn't do well with long distance and he's going away to school in the Fall. We agreed to stay friends and we've talked every day since the breakup two weeks ago. Anyway, at first I was fine with the breakup, I downloaded tinder and tried to make plans with this guy I knew in high school who I know just wants sex like everyone else on tinder. I wasn't thinking properly, it was the mania, PTSD actually makes it hard for me to have casual sex. Sunday night I was drunk and texting my ex and everything felt good. Then I woke up Monday severely depressed, I drank a lot of cough syrup to help me sleep - I was literally chugging it, I didn't care if I drank too much. The depression got so severe that I was seriously considering killing myself, and I took 60mg more than I usually take of Latuda and told myself if I still felt awful, I'd take the rest of the bottle. I didn't take the rest of the bottle, luckily nothing happened. I was an idiot and freaked out my ex by telling him if anything happened to me it wouldn't be because of him - I just didn't want anyone to think I was the girl who killed herself over a breakup. I even wrote a note in case it happened. I feel horrible for freaking out my ex though and I want to apologize when I see him tomorrow. Anyway, the severe depression lasted about three days and then the mania came back. It became really intense starting Monday, I feel like it's over today though. I didn't leave the house so I haven't done anything stupid, but I've just been driving myself insane with all of the energy I feel and racing thoughts that are even faster than usual. I guess that's where I'm at right now.

The really awful thing is that I can't get my medications adjusted right now. I saw my psychiatrist through the school and I took the semester off so I can't see her anymore. There is a severe shortage of psychiatrists in my town so I haven't been able to find one who is taking patients right now, and I don't have a car so it's difficult for me to go to another town. Right now my primary care provider has been doing my re-fills. AND in a wonderful turn of events, I found out that the quickest way for me to see someone who can adjust my meds if I do an outpatient program in a town 30 minutes away for two weeks. Here's the catch: I have to stay with my ex the whole time because he's the only person I know in that town. It'll be fine, we're still friends, I'm just going to leave the room if I cry or whatever. I'm excited to get the medication adjustment but also terrified, I'll probably have to try a new one since my current combination (400mg Lamictal, 60mg Latuda) clearly isn't working (this is the second episode I've had in six months). My last psychiatrist told me 400mg is one of the highest doses they prescribe for bipolar disorder, and Latuda is mostly for depression and not mania, so I'll probably have to add something new to my cocktail. I'm thinking of asking about Abilify, but I'm terrified of the potential of getting Tardive Dyskinesia. I'm terrified of most bipolar meds, and I get really bad mixed episodes so I don't have many options since a lot of them aren't effective with treating mixed episodes.

One good thing to come out of the mania I've experienced this year is that I wrote 50 poems in a month at the beginning of the year (in retrospect, this is when I started getting manic) and some of them are the best I've written and have gotten published in lit mags. The other good thing is that I've been very social and I'm usually pretty introverted and don't have many friends.

Also, I should add that when I say mania/manic I mostly mean hypo instead of full-blown manic, but it's so much easier to just write manic.

Anyway, I think that almost covers it. Thanks if you read all that but I understand if you didn't. I'll probably be posting more (but not as much in one post) just because of the mania and also the desire to talk to more people like me.

 

So today was basically the crumbling of the walls of my family.... My brother got popped for shit and one of his friends told my Dad pleadingly don't let him use your car, he's not living right. I'll spare too deep details but everything from sniffing pills, guns, popped for a weed charge, gotta go to court, etc.
He hasn't handled this being put on blast well. He's thinking of running out of town, and "needs time alone" thinking he has no support here meanwhile everyone here's heart is breaking cus everyone is here for him. He lived that life in the shadows cus he didn't wanna be known as the dope boy in the family. You only feel unsupported cus you didn't live openly [albeit understandably].

My family is flawed, I spoke to it many times, but they wouldn't let him go through anything without at least trying to help and it's heartbreaking - especially since I'm trying to do my own move and I know that will raise their paranoia even more. It hurts even more so cus my brother is the one family member I can actually talk to and have a bond with. Sigh...

 

I know abusers all suck, but abusers who pretend to create safe communities and use that trust to prey on others are so gross to me it makes me angry that they exist

 

posts like these are why I appreciate both of your presences so much. thank you

 

I was diagnosed with GAD a month ago after experiencing panic attacks at work. I've experienced anxiety my entire life, but it was situational based and easy for me to handle. I started my new position in October where I'm constantly in the presence of vp's and top execs...really started to freak me out and made me feel super small like only the corporate world can. My doctor started me on Lexapro, which is the first medication I've ever been prescribed in my entire life.

Now, I can honestly say I feel like myself again. My wife notices it, my boss notices it, and I can function with confidence at work again. Thank you all for providing an outlet. You're all awesome.

 

I feel like the outsider to a lot of people, like, that they just kind of deal with me and talk to me because they feel bad or something.

 

damn it sounds exactly like what I'm going through with my dad. he couldn't stop harassing me even tho I've been living in my University town for the last four years. today I finally blacklisted him on my phone lol it felt liberating. can't wait until I finally get rid of him for my well being. I just don't know how I'll be able to save my family, legal shit and all of that concerning him. he's such a Trump-like person and I can't believe I lasted nearly 22 years without doing something drastic like disappearing or just quitting my family suddenly...

 

especially the "well remember I did that for you" part. the shit he sent me via messages just today is scandalous. "don't do anything bad to me please i've always been there for you and blablabla", "i can't bring food to you today because there are police cars around your town" like seriously ? you would let your own son die from hunger because you're such a fucking coward ? what the hell, he's such a psycho


oh and the usual "i don't have enough gas left so i won't come today" yeah because buying cigarettes, alcohol and junk food "because I worked hard for 41 years so i deserve it" is a better use of OUR money (woops did I tell ya he's been stealing money from my brother and me since we were both 11 and 15 ?) right ? i hate him so fucking much

 

That's just your brain telling you some bullshit man. You're a good dude.

 

I know you weren't responding to me, but like, I keep telling my mom that my brain keeps telling me these kinds of things and of course I don't want it but of course I can't help it and she's always like "why would you think like that, you're crazy." Thanks, mom.