(Reasons We're Probably Not) Dating Or In A Relationship Thread NSFW • Page 357

I didn't really find them attractive and the one that I did think was sort of cute said she was only into older men so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

understand why large age differences are discouraged but also feel it's important to recognize exceptions and how blanket rules can harm those with anomalous experiences. I am 18 but also a college grad and relationships have been more difficult than they should have been due to the fact that I've felt most comfortable around 22-24 year olds for the last couple years.

 

I would have made a sour face and been like "why? Do they need cleaning?". Am I mean..

 

I must say I have extended my vocab from this thread. Pegging, cleaning pipes.

 

Okay Erin here's your homework for the week, write a paragraph on what a rusty trombone is

 

I've already got a PowerPoint ready for tromboning. Jk..or ammm I?

 

If only I still had that illustration to show you. It explains everything

 

Which is why I generally lean towards finding someone who matches your stage of life. Obviously, laws need to be followed still, but stage of life makes far more sense to me.

 

There's a difference between an eighteen and a twenty-four year old, and a thirty-something and a seventeen-year-old. Plus, power dynamics matter.

As for "cleaning pipes", I thought that was a common saying. I've also seen "piped" used.

 

ive always heard it as laying pipe

 

definitely, but would argue that the former sort of relationship is frowned upon to an extent sufficient enough to cause unwarranted difficulty for the very few people for whom they make most sense

the frowning upon of age differences in relationships is also implicitly extended to close friendships (the two emerge from a similar premise) - and often carries with it an implication that the older person is male and the younger person is not - and my internalization of it was a huge contributing factor to feeling like i had to lie about my age throughout my teenage years to get people to take me seriously, especially given the gender distribution of my major. was unable to live in any sort of authentic way till i turned 18. i'm not saying the universal concerns aren't valid, but that people in all sorts of life situations exist and blanket rules cause significant harm to anomalies in their efforts to aid the vast majority.

 

ive had some people say something wrt to how young my girlfriend is compared to me, nothing mean or overt just usually people are surprised shes as young as she is. but 20-24 really isnt a big age gap so i dont get it. and like ive said its not noticable to us, she may as well be the same age as me or i as her

 

Tbh I also feel like often when ur on the young end of a relationship it's often hard to see it until ur older and gain perspective. Of course that doesn't apply to everyone and im sure there are some ppl who don't regret those relationships or grow up and don't feel like it was wrong, but like if you would have asked me when I was 18 if I felt that I was being taken advantage of or the power dynamics were off I would've laughed in ur face and said no and that it wasn't like that and i'd be mega insulted. You ask me now how that relationship was and I know it was sketch af. It is very hard for me not to look at certain age differences with skepticism when one is barely an adult. Just because every woman I know has a story like that and every woman sees it now and realizes it was messed up. I'm sure there are some exceptions but I immediately feel protective. Might be wrong or judgmental of me idk but it's hard not to after seeing myself and so many women suffer in them

 

this.

Also as previously stated, it is less about age and more about stage of life. That's why I asked what someone who is almost 30 would have in common with someone in high school. Their priorities, experiences, and daily routine are so vastly different from each other. Also like Kiana maybe I'm just protective, especially of someone who is still in high school.
as Kiana said we have all had that relationship, many of us had multiple. When I was 15 I was enamored with an 19 year old college student. I was so into him and I look back and am like- why the hell did an 19 year old want to hang out with me and my freshman BFF? Why did he want to kiss us when we had barely gone through puberty and he was an actual adult? It's all very predatory even though I don't think that he was ever being malicious in his pursuit.

 

@Kiana i understand that, but i've also been surrounded by 20-22 year olds since i was 15. my interests, life experience and life situation (+ i'd argue "maturity" but people would shut me down) were closest to that of a 22 year old as a 17 year old. this was to the point where i could find very little grounds to interact with someone of my own age.

my point is that there's enormous variation among people - even if you find something that works for the vast majority of folks, there will be someone (or more than a few someones) who will be harmed by society's imposing that something as a pervasive moral guideline. e.g. consider a 17 year old and a 30 year old in the same graduate class, both living on their own for the first time. at the very least, the argument that uses high school falls apart.

also the very sort of people who would be guarded by said guideline are the people least likely to have malicious intentions imo.

 

Yeah I dated a 23 year old when I was 17. I have always been very logical and analytical - never one let my judgment get clouded by romantic feelings, so I thought if anyone was mature enough to handle it, it was me. Oh man I was so wrong. I look back and I see how early it started and how insidious it was but I thought I was holding my own. I never was. Idk. If it works for someone that's genuinely awesome for them and I'm glad they didn't suffer in that way. But hearing like 1 positive case out of like 30 still def makes me protective and anxious when I see girls in them.

 

I don't think it's generally specifically malicious, I doubt The Weeknd was like look I'm 25 time to prey on 18 year olds hey sup Bella Hadid

 

She was 19 tho!

 

i mean it that case, they're pretty much at the same stage in their lives being professionals in the entertainment industry

 

Idk. I feel like you can be in similar life stages but not be in the same place at all like inwardly? Even if u think u are? Idk it's like taylor swift and John mayer. U could argue that they were in a similar place professionally and in hollywood but listening to Dear John it alludes to him taking advantage of her due to her age and naivety and I guess that's where it is for me. That barely-an-adult naivety that can exist even if ur arguably doing adult things already like career or school wise. Idk idk it's so complicated it's hard to articulate. I think age just helps you better see loser guys for what they are. You become more sure of yourself and what you want with age and you put up with less bs. Idk. So I guess for me it's not about stages of life so much as just lack of experience in the world. And i feel when ur young u think u have experience in the world from going through different things in life but some things imo are just... they don't prepare u. Idk. I'm explaining this awfully haha. I'm that condescending old foggy now apparently.

 

that's possible, but can you not see how it's also possible you're imposing your own state of mind (which is shaped by experience and personality) on people whose experiences and personalities are vastly different from yours?

 

Yes. But again when it's like every woman you know and talk to having extremely similar experiences... idk. It makes positive stories an anomaly and not enough to erase that skepticism. An anomaly here or there doesn't mean it's not extremely dangerous and unhealthy for a huge amount of people and imo it's not worth the risk to normalize or encourage it. It is where I'll get preachy cause I've seen too many women hurt and devastated from them

 

This can be an issue regardless of age tho re: not being at the same place inwardly