Mental Health Thread • Page 69

I've been feeling a lot more wanting to self harm lately. I accidentally nicked myself shaving down there and my legs this morning and now I can't stop thinking about the blade on my skin.

 

In more Mommy Issues news, my mom cannot hold a convo with me. She talks to me like she's a journalist or interrogator. It's awkward stilted rapid fire questions. And she never remembers my answers cause when I see her next she'll ask the exact same ones. I should be appreciative she is interested in my life but it frustrates me that we can't have normal convos. When it's natural I am pretty open with her,or more than I used to be, but it's rare we have those. Maybe she feels awkward cause I'm not the type of person to open up so I should be more approachable. idk. I was kind of rude today because her questions were killing me. I need to be more patient but there's so much history and baggage and blegh that makes it harder for me to push little things back and choose my battles like I normally would.

 

I've had near constant headaches, a sore and dry throat that has significantly changed my voice, odd pains in my jaw, shit digestion, and the first 2 fingers on my right hand have been staying numb hours after I wake for a couple of weeks now....and getting tests done to explain these symptoms takes months if you can't pull strings.

It makes a certain fucked up sense that my body should give out while i'm getting close to winning longstanding significant spiritual/mental battles. Fight til you die, and then fight some more, people.

 

Recently have been surrounded by people 24/7 ALL THE TIME, as in no private time and I've been doing my best with it since a large part of it is me putting a friend up atm. But this is really starting to wear on me, too much time without just mindless fuck off in my own private space time feels like I'm suffocating. I feel kinda bad tbh cus while I'm super happy to see my friend after a few years I'm also super relieved his trip is up tomorrow cus he's literally been strapped to my hip since almost everyone else he came to see flaked on him. Glad I could be here for him even though most his family/friends flaked, but I need that break now lol.
Not just him but of course the family for the holidays, my girl has been extra clingy cus her friends left for the holidays, etc. and I'm not upset at it, just tired. Need some rest to recharge my "social batteries."

 

I relate to this way too much lol. So busy and no private time around Christmas! Here for you

 

People take more than they give...and that's not necessarily a bad thing.....look at it as a extreme exercise on giving you don't normally learn.

Introverts are especially drained when they try to help people, and it sucks so bad when people who feel they can't help anymore are pushed to far....the guilt is tremendous.

Me and my fam, have been helping out people who can't hack (so much tragedy) it for years.....I love doing it, but i'd be a liar if I said it didnt take a toll on me...I really wish my nieces and nephews would stop dropping so quickly.

I think i'll be dead within the year, and I think that's a blessing.

 

I know these feelings well man, 2013-2015 was plagued with loss lost so many people in my family. The people survived by the lost leaning on us and that causing strain. My Grandma even called me "Useless" a few weeks back cus I wouldn't can't read her mind to know when she needs help and she's too proud to ask for help. As if I don't have so much in my own life going on. (And I'm the only one who DOES consistently help her. Her other daughter (my aunt, not my Mom) acts like she's a wart on her ass. My Mom does what she can. But outside me & my Mom no one helps her, so why get on me?)
She's literally called me waking me up out of my sleep and asked me to come help and I said "Alright just lemme take a shower to wake up" and she's like "You don't need to shower just come here it'll be real fast.".... No, I am taking this shower. You can wait the extra 15 minutes lol.

That's the smaller side of things, lots of in fighting and expectation cus the help is needed cus of all the tragedy/loss. Aunt lost her husband with a 5 year old. My uncle lost his wife & daughter within 2 months of one another. My family continues to badger me for money even going to the point of saying I don't deserve respect if I don't give them some.

I am glad to help the lil family I have but I do not appreciate the lack of respect, appreciation, and just the constant expectation of more with no real concept of what is too much.

I hope it gets better for you and yours too man, I'm sorry you all gone through so much lately. I know your feelings down to even that last line, that was me till about halfway through this year. Wishing you and yours the best.

 

When people can't understand that needing private/alone time from (all) people isn't a personal thing frustrates the hell out of me.

 

It's Christmas Eve and I just got a letter from my psychiatrist, who I've been w/ for 3 years, is moving to North GA. I can't stop crying. Why didn't she wait to send the letter after the holidays?

 

I'm so sorry. horribly reckless timing on her part :(

 

Thanks girl ❤

 

My dads side of the family drives me crazy. I just don't fit in with them at all. when they all get together I just sit in a corner and pray I don't have to maneuver my way through another conversation about how great Trump will supposedly be.
Or maybe we'll talk about how I'm wasting my time being a music teacher in the city and should move back to Florida and work construction like my dad, that's always a worthwhile one.

I've also noticed that zero of the people I grew up with here, at least the ones I've seen while visiting, tell any kind of joke that isn't at someone else's expense. Like the only funny joke to them is one that hurts someone else. It's weird. I hate all of it and I wanna go home.

Edit: now they're all distracted by football for a bit. I'm gonna try to sneak away to my room and see how long it takes for anyone to notice I left.

 

Thank you for this between my sister tryna get me arrested (for defending myself from my father), family only saying they owe me & my girl respect if we give them money, an my Grandma calling me useless awhile back and still not being over that I've had anxiety all this week over being around them again. Needed that.

 

I'll be sending good vibes your way. Just step away if it gets too overwhelming. Try to remember that you two matter and are important regardless of what they say. That's what I try to do anyway.❤

 

Thank you, thats what I plan to do, and trust I ain't forgetting that. My future is her, not them.

I'm just flustered atm is all cus I keep being told 'Are you gunna be like this tomorrow?"/"You need to let that go"/"You're being an asshole." How? I'm reacting to being wronged and to this day NO ONE has offered any form of apology. Get mad if you like but I'm just reacting to y'all. When it comes to yall's feelings about my reactions to you it's two tears in a bucket, fuck it. lol

 

to everyone who is putting up with difficult family members. In the wise hit words of my faves "Live right now. Just be yourself. It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else." Don't let the haterz in! You are all wonderful ppl!! To those with decent fams, you are still wonderful!! To those who don't celebrate the holidays you are wonderful too and I'm sorry you have to deal with businesses being closed and long lines at the store

 

Been super stressed and getting anxiety over this holiday and putting up with my family (as I said before) and there was some nonsense earlier but me and my Dad ran out for a lil bit to go recharge my car battery since it needed a jump and got a beer and as I was driving all the blackbirds & crows still here up here in NY for winter were singing their lil hearts out.
Had that "Sometimes you just gotta appreciate the lil beautiful moments in life to sustain your happy" and it kinda helped me mellow back out a bit.

Still gotta go to my Grandma's and we'll see how that goes, but thank you to the birds for reminding me what today is lol. I knew I liked the crows especially for a reason, even if everyone else out here hates em since there's so much farm land out here lol. Me and Crows are like THIS SON! *Dave Chappelle voice*

 

George Michael's death has ruined xmas

 

For real. Smh.

 

I'm like devastated and nobody around me cares!!!

 

All in all the day ended pretty well. Family wasn't too overbearing with the nonsense and everyone pretty much had a decent night. Had an amazing heart to heart, brother to brother conversation with my bro about our similar situations in our love life and how we're behind the ball atm but how much our girls are all the inspiration to get on track. talked about how similar they are, funny shit, shit they do that annoys us, and how much they remind us of our mom in ways.... and it was eerie how alike they were lmao.

all in all, gotta say the week before was a hell of a treck but christmas itself was pretty okay.

also, sorry for your loss @Kiana

my Mom been listening to him all night now lol.

 

I'm having a quarter life crisis. I've been researching jobs and apartments in other places and I'm panicking. I'm super scared of moving somewhere away from my friends and family only to find I don't like my line of work or am not cut out for it and failing with nowhere to go. And I know I'm not expected to have it all figured out rn and sometimes life is trial and error but I'm an obsessive control freak so it's hard for me.

 

If it makes you feel any better I have no clue what I want to do with my life

 

I was scared when I did my internship I'd be driven away from this profession but I'm glad I liked it and affirmed it's what I wanna do. It's just so damn hard finding shit I'm not looking forward to starting over in philly and trying to get my foot in the door at a studio there and doing another internship