Food • Page 532

i helped my friend build a deck this summer, well i helped for like two days out of a few weeks of building lol. but i got to use the table saw. i tell you what, it got me hot and bothered like i havent felt since i built a chair

 

I'll deck one of you

 

Dad

 

define dhayes (shittyFoodAdvice):
print ("I LOVE A1 AND RANCH")


heres some python code to translate dhayes' shitty ranch opinion

 

nortAn has deteccted a malwar

 

I know I'm spoiling you guys but I just got Cheetos Chicken Fries.

I'll post my review tomorrow.

 

I had Sonic chicken strips and a shake and I'm hating myself. Both for fitness reasons and fit how I'm feeling right now

 

I loooooove peanut butter on apple slice. Ratio of PB to Apple is heavily in PB's favor.

 

i wasn't too impressed but they also didn't give me any ranch so

 

they did you a favor by not giving you ranch

 

Here..have a ranch fountain.

 

Sure didn't do him a flavor

 

f u chase

 

Just ate a brotein bar. Feelin pretty bro right now

 

Breakfast tacos are on the way

 

Yesterday I ordered a banana milkshake and they gave me vanilla. I died it was so plain.

Today my friend is coming over and we're watching scary movies, eating thai food, and making pumpkin cheesecake. She swears she makes the best cheesecake so we'll see if her talk lives up.

 

Cheetos Chicken Fries: The Review


Etymology: My major problem with chicken fries is that they are in no way fries. Like, even structurally they aren’t prepared the same way as fries. You don’t bread fries. A real chicken fry would just be a strip of chicken deep fried which, honestly, doesn’t even sound that bad. Also, in what other context does an order of fries consist of 8? Even a small order of fries at McDonalds comes with like a thousand fries. And I might concede that if you ate at a 4 Michelin star restaurant where they called their fries “pomme frites” and they were made with heirloom potatoes grown in a monastery in the Himalayas, and deep fried in duck fat and the tears of Aryan virgins, and were so well crafted that you could taste the sweat on the calloused hands of the farmer monks who picked them, and were seasoned with the soil that they grew in you might only get 8. But this is fucking burger king and 8 “fries” is an unacceptable amount. Let’s just be real, Burger King. You’re not fucking fooling anyone. Chicken fries are just chicken nuggets. We all know this. And 8 chicken nuggets is a more acceptable amount. So, in the spirit of honest marketing I would like to propose we change chicken fries to one of the following:

1. Stix’o’Chix

2. Cluck Logs

3. Chester Cheetos Deep Fried Fingers (thumbs extra)

Appearance: Hipster chicken nuggets. I feel like mine were also a lot darker than normal. I don’t’ know if that was because of the… Cheeto dust… Cheetos dust… do I keep the s? Like, is Cheetos the plural and Cheeto the singular? Is Chester’s last name Cheeto or Cheetos? Anyway, I’m not sure if my chicken fries were just burnt or if the “cheese” dust made it that way.

Taste: The promotional material for the Cheetos Chicken Fries describes a "dangerously cheesy outside." That sounds fucking miserable. Danger should not be used in the description of cheese. Honestly they could have just put regular chicken fries in the orange box because the difference was indiscernible. What an ingenious scheme. They just pay for some new packaging and throw the same product in them because who the fuck cares. Who is going to take their Cheetos Chicken Fries back and complain that they weren’t cheesy enough? Maybe the flavor is supposed to be subtle but if that’s the case you picked a really fucking strange time to exercise some restraint, Burger King. Maybe I should have sucked on the outside longer before biting into it…

Sigh.

I’m just going to leave that last sentence.

Smell: Burnt. Which, when coupled with the dark color, may or may not lend credence to the idea that they burnt my chicken fries.

Intangibles: I did appreciate that the lady taking my order, while repeating it back to me, just said “…and an order of Cheetos,” when what she meant was “….fucking millennials.”

Overall: Nobody is going to look back on this time, when the King and Chester have gotten into bed with one another, and remember it fondly. I can’t wait until they coat a Whopper patty in Flaming Hot Cheetos and deep fry that.

Score: .5 Michelin Stars

 

BANANA MILKSHAKE. Ew, Kiana. I don't think I can forgive you for this. And to think you were one of my favorites!

 

This is beautiful

 

Say it ain't so.

 

You're beautiful.

 

You like banana milkshakes? I hate banana everything except popsicles.