Mental Health Thread • Page 247

my best friend is visiting this weekend and it’s really dampening my enjoyment having to be careful about what we go and do

 

cheap Taco Bell is my best friend lately. And dollar tree.

 

Me and my gf spent 47 at dollar tree the other day and are set on a looooot of shit we needed for a while AND we got tons of Christmas decorations

 

Feeling really hopeless right now. I have an autoimmune disorder that causes chronic inflammation in addition to a bunch of other respiratory and neurological problems that gets triggered by certain environmental factors such as mold. I actually had to move out of a dorm in college because it was water damaged and I got to the point where the school nurse thought I had asthma despite never having an issue in my life.

Fast forward to now, I had been doing so much better, until my job moved me to a new building. Within a couple of hours, I feel horrible. Dizzy, exhausted, congested, itchy eyes, reduced lung capacity and pain taking deep breaths. I continue to feel like crap until maybe Sunday, and then rinse, dry and repeat when I'm back in work Monday. Beyond depressed and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask my boss to let me transfer to the old building or allow me to work from home full time. But you can't really prove mold easily (only like 2 labs in the country are accurate about it) so I worry such a large company would just want to get rid of me.

I just want to be fucking normal for once. I grew up with everyone telling me I was crazy. I went undiagnosed with Lyme disease for 7-8 years, with nobody ever believing me. And even when I had a diagnosis, people thought I was milking it because I "look normal". With a history of doctors, friends and even family not believing me, I just don't trust that anyone will ever believe my medical issues. I really enjoy my job and this whole situation sucks.

We've had other issues this month too. They're mostly small, normal stuff, but when it's all happening at once, it's really overwhelming.

My girlfriend'scar died, I worked for weeks to sell it and help her get a new one, I got kicked off my parents health insurance finally so had to go through the headache of figuring that out for the first time. I also have scoliosis and have had a lot of back pain over the past few years, and my father recently offered me his old couch. I was beyond excited to finally get rid of my old piece of shit couch. Now it turns out that I can't sit on it for more than 5 mins without being in pain for the rest of the day. Totally regret donating the old one. Now I can't even hang out in the room I just set up all my Christmas decorations in lol

Idk, seems silly to bitch about these other things, but again, I'm just so overwhelmed. Idk. My therapist who I've been seeing for years doesn't take my new insurance either, so that's currently fucking me up too. I'm just afraid to find a new one since I have this established relationship with my current one, and she's really sweet and understanding. I haven't felt this depressed in years, and have cried with my girlfriend multiple times in the past few weeks, which is rare; I hadn't cried since like 4 years ago when my cat went missing.

Wow, long post. Sorry for that.

 

I love this thread. As someone with Mental health struggles (Diagnosed Bipolar II), it's great to see so many people together being supportive of one another. Keep doing what you guys are doing, community. Long time lurker and I love you guys

 

Today I was listening to the angsty throwback songs of my youth and it got me kind of wistful thinking about when I was young and didn't know what was ahead. and I wouldn't say I was ambitious in the way I felt like I could do anything, but my life path didn't feel determined at that point. I thought maybe I'd end up in some apartment in the city playing in a band (which is hilarious cuz I can't play an instrument) or heck, even dead, but I didn't know anything. My life now feels just more set. Which I feel like should give me comfort, but it makes me a little sad. I know you can always change where your life is going and people make career changes and things all the time. It's not that I'm even unhappy with what I chose, it's just that it feels more confining now somehow and that makes me a little sad. like as a teen it gave me a lot of anxiety and stress not knowing anything that was ahead or what my life course was at all, but it was sort of mysterious at the same time and I miss not knowing sometimes. It was terrifying and confusing but also had more possibility

 

I completely understand this feeling. I often think about when I was younger and how life was just one unknown adventure in a way. Now I’m 27, work a desk job, pay lots of bills, etc. I have stable income and that’s rad but I’m not even near the person I imagined I’d be by the time I was almost 30. When I was younger, I used to make more spontaneous decisions. Now everything is laid out and predictable. I kind of feel trapped because I don’t have the energy to chase dreams but my life isn’t necessarily bad. it’s just predictable and I’m kind of unhappy with that because that “wonder” was such a huge part of who I was.

 

Why do I feel 100x more ashamed now that I found out I have bipolar disorder type 1 instead of type 2? I mean, it really doesn't matter much, the stigma is fairly equal.

My grandmother never talks about being bipolar, she has it well-managed so she has never even shown signs of it. My uncle goes off his meds all the time and his symptoms are very visible. My father has been on an epilepsy medication since he was a teenager that treats bipolar disorder too, and when he had to switch meds he experienced psychosis, now it's mostly managed again but he still gets manic sometimes so they think he could be bipolar as well. It's just interesting seeing how everyone in my family has a different experience with it.

And this March will mark ten years that I've been experiencing mixed episodes. I don't understand why my disorder has been so hard to treat.

I know nobody is "normal" but I still wish I could be more "normal."

 

For some reason the holidays always make me really depressed. More than usual. I guess because growing up I never had the typical "holiday experience". It was a toxic environment which created a bunch of mental health issues for me. Can't wait for the holidays to be over

 

The holiday season is a really difficult time for me as well, albeit for different reasons. You’re not alone

 

I used to love the holidays, and now I just get anxiety leading up to it and then can't wait for them to be over.

I just hate bouncing around between families, especially since my parents are separated, so we do both sides of mine and then my girlfriend's, despite 2 out of 3 families living an hour away. I can never enjoy myself, I'm just constantly worrying about being at the next place at a reasonable time so people don't get upset with me. But then I also worry about the current family I'm with being upset at me for not being there long enough. Idk.

Told my girlfriend this is the last year I can handle doing this and we're gonna try just doing one of our families every other year.

It's also tough because my grandfather only has a couple more years in him, so I hate not being able to spend more time there over the holidays. Everytime I see him he makes a joke about how much weight he's losing and then I feel sad and don't know how to respond because I know it's most likely due to him being sick :/

 

My anxiety level is high right now. I never received anything for my new hire insurance benefits and they never told me anything on how to enroll/check. Well I started the job at the end of open enrollment and picked up a packet to see what they offer for when I'm eligible for my new hire benefits and I just found it to see the website, and I had 7 days left! to enroll. I was told I was eligible the 1st of this month, and you have 31 days to do so, so how was I almost out of time? It clearly states 1st of the month following 60 days of employment. So it almost screwed me over because it started a few weeks ago. Anyway my anxiety is high because I'm worried my benefits will run out? Like because I just missed open enrollment that I'm just covered for the rest of this month or would I be covered until next year? My last job was the same thing, I was hired at the end of open enrollment and enrolled in new hire benefits which happen to start the first of the year but this one doesn't. I need to enroll in alternative benefits before the deadline if this one isn't kept. Also again, I never received anything in the mail or email about any sort of benefit enrollment and the only thing I received was 401k

 

second therapy session was really great as well. she’s helping me come up with ways to make this Christmas great for me since I’m not going home and am gonna be home sick.

aside from that, im silently struggling big time. even when you’re clean the addiction still runs your thoughts constantly. it’s hard to explain.

 

I feel like I'm being gaslighted (or is it gaslit?) by my psychiatrist and sometimes my therapist too but looking for new ones right now would be complicated. Especially with my psychiatrist since he's tapering me off some drugs to add a new one.

Does anyone else feel like they've had very irresponsible psychiatrists? I'm trying Valproic Acid again and my current psychiatrist said I have to go off Lamictal first because they have a bad interaction, but the last one who prescribed it to me had me on Lamictal too. Another psychiatrist told me that my antidepressants could contribute to my mixed episodes, but I was the one who had to ask if I could go off them after I did more research and had finally had enough of the mixed episodes which were much worse before. It's really early and IDK if any of that made sense.

 

I felt stupid my whole life because I have Asperger's but didn't know it & I missed a lot of classes because I got Fibromyalgia at a young age, & other people who feel stupid for various reasons picked up on that insecurity of mine & outright called me stupid and/or said things to make me feel stupid & it's just a fucking vicious cycle that I wish everyone could get out of. Sorry for the run-on.

And the more I think about it I realize probably nobody thinks I'm as stupid as I do, that's why my brain keeps replaying these memories and torturing myself.

I also keep thinking about how everyone who was abusive of me was abused as a child in some way or even witnessed violence and that is not an excuse but I know we'd all be so much better off if child abuse wasn't so normalized.

 

woooooo anxiety

 

medication works great for depression. so great that my anxiety is no longer held back by my depression.

 

I’m feeling this vibe a lot recently.

 

people on this website really get off on making other people feel bad about themselves and who they support

 

Wow I never thought quitting drinking (a week ago) and deactivating all social media except for Instagram today would be such a relief. I hope it stays that way.

 

I deleted Facebook about a week ago and it's been so great to disconnect. I hope it helps!

 

a literal detox, good for you!

 

I'm going to make a positive post in this thread for once. Because god knows how many times I've posted in here when I felt really, really low.

Despite everything I have going on that SHOULD be making me feel miserable, I actually feel okay. Like... I'm still under a lot of stress, but I've actually been handling it relatively well. I've been making the conscious effort to hang out with friends and do things instead of just holing myself up in my room. It's weird to say because I really shouldn't but... I'm actually feeling pretty good about things? I do know a lot of it has to do with removing all of the toxic people in my life and putting myself out there more with communities that have been very welcoming and good to me, like the rhythm game community. Like... I simply posted on Facebook that I was going to be celebrating my birthday at this arcade a couple hours from me called Round One and I had people I had met at Dance Dance Revolution tournaments responding saying they'd all either be there or at least try to be there. I had never thought that highly of myself but the fact that these people I've only met in person a few times at most are all considering making 2-3 hour drives just to come celebrate with me makes me feel pretty good about the effect I have on people. It just feels nice to have people like me and accept me, because I spent way too fucking long trying to make one-sided friendships work.

 

it doesn't happen very often, but once in awhile I will come across a kid in my work who I want to adopt so bad and legit seriously would go through all of the process of adopting if I could. Not like "ahh you're so cute I wanna take u home" but like legit parent for life. I will be glad when this kid has a safe home, but I feel like it's also going to be bittersweet because I legitimately would raise this child. I think this is only the second time in 4 or 5 years where there was a kid I would seriously jump through hoops to adopt. the other kid I wouldve adopted I only got to know for a few months and it was years ago but I still legit look out for him when I go to the store hoping I will see him even though he wouldn't remember me. It's always very sad but in a good way because it means they're safe if I'm not seeing them. Such is life. everytime I start thinking I definitely for sure don't want children I end up meeting the coolest kids

 

I'm starting to think i'm broken.

I'll be fine one minute and the next I'm crying because I have to go to VA for a wedding next weekend (my cousin is having her princess wedding that I'll never have), I can't buy a new dress, I have to find affordable shoes and my grandma isn't here to calm me the fuck down. Then that spirals into a 20 min cry fest about how much I miss my grandparents.....and then its over. Done. Back to normal Julie.....who will probably do the same thing the night before her flight next week. I'm starting to realize my grandma was my own personal form of Zoloft without having to take a pill. She could calm me down and make it all better in the matter of minutes. Its been over a year and I still can't fully human without her.