Mental Health Thread • Page 215

emotional abuse TW I guess

Another thing I've been struggling with is realizing that my best friend of 5 years, who I dated the 5th year, is um...actually not a very nice person and also probably abusive? I'm still processing it. It was so weird, I wondered why for the last year I was so stressed out thinking that he was finding reasons to vilify me (even though we never fought), or that he wanted me to fail in life....and then one day, a year after I saw him last, I suddenly remembered that's exactly how he was with his exes (he literally took pleasure in the fact that they were struggling to live on their own). I think he made himself sound like a victim for the ways his exes reacted to his abuse - "she never wants to spend time with me, only hangs out with her friends" - "she hasn't talked to me in weeks" - "she broke up with me over text after we were going to move to NYC together." And I never really felt like I had a reason to argue with him, but I was also absolutely terrified of making him mad to an extent that isn't normal for me, because he talked about how he and his ex fought constantly. He actually said something like "let's never fight"? And I kind of wonder if the reason he would go on and on about how important privacy is instead of saying "trust is important" means he had something to hide? I feel horrible for not listening to one of his exes when she said "he makes me feel stupid" - I genuinely thought he was a nice guy and she was insecure - and then when they broke up he TOLD me she was stupid - and then he did the same thing to me so I think it was all intentional, including calling me an idiot "as a joke". Also, when I called him out on how he made me feel stupid, he'd make it about him and say HE was the stupid one for dropping out of high school. I was 19 when his ex talked to me so I'm trying to give myself a break. My therapist was kind of unhelpful and would just call him "insecure" or say "it sounds like he has a lot of issues." My support group immediately called some of the stuff I described (that I haven't mentioned here) "gaslighting." I trusted him more than anyone, he really comes off as such a nice guy and everyone says that, but I ignored a lot of signs that I recognized as not healthy and I wish I had trusted my instincts. Also, this isn't even really the half of it - there are worse, more traumatizing things.

I don't want to tell our mutual friends because it'll just get back to him and I don't want to deal with his anger. He actually doesn't even have my new number though, thankfully.

I think he abused his other exes more than he did to me. I don't think that means he has changed. I feel less traumatized by this than I have from other people (I mean, this guy never assaulted me) but it still feels so bad because he was my best friend and like I said, for some stupid reason I trusted him more than anyone.

Oh, one last thing I just remembered before I end this rant...he actually told me he thought he had maybe been abusive in past relationships. Why I didn't take this as an opportunity to run and protect myself from even the slightest chance of being with another abuser I will probably never understand and always regret.

EDIT: Jesus christ, sorry this was so long.

 

Hey bb! I'm so sorry you went thru that, espesh from someone who is such a good friend. Sometimes it takes education, perspective, and time to process and learn what you've been thru. I think survivors of emotional or verbal abuse often try to downplay their experience because it's not the physical abuse seen in media that we often associate with "abuse" to the point where it can feel dramatic or even insensitive to call it abuse compared to what others have suffered, but it's not any less legitimate. You don't have to put a label on ur experience if ur not comfortable with it, but just know that your feelings and experience are valid and real. People who abuse are often charming and nice and sympathetic and we don't see the signs right away or we dismiss the red flags or experiences from exes because we want to believe the best in someone we care about, and it sounds like you cared about this person and trusted them and there's nothing wrong with that. They are the ones in the wrong for violating it. Idk im probably telling u what u already know but i just hope u are doing well.

 

Thank you so much, this was all really helpful to hear and all of what you said makes sense. I'm just wondering, because I constantly second guess myself even after I label something - does this all (or at least some of it) sound to you like he's an abuser? Part of my problem is I need other people to sort of "validate" my instincts/experiences/feelings and tell me what I'm experiencing or confirm that my instincts/perspective are right. I want to work on that because I should be able to trust my own judgment, but I haven't really learned the tools to do that yet. I think it comes from the fact that I've had therapists and abusive exes tell me that what I experienced in the past wasn't REALLY assault because it wasn't completely violent (it was withdrawn consent due to pain/them ignoring it and continuing after I said stop), I've had friends tell me I was being abused but then when my abuser asked other people if "telling me I was not allowed to drink, that he would give me the silent treatment if I ever did, and making me feel like shit for the fact that I used to drink" they said it wasn't - it was just "setting a boundary/expressing an opinion about drinking". Just so many mixed messages to the point that I can't always tell what is or what isn't abuse and it's like I've been constantly gaslit by so many people in my life, even therapists, and I keep getting into these relationships probably due to my mental illnesses but nobody (like therapists) will tell me how to stop.

There were really unhealthy things I actually left out because they might disturb people, although I don't think those were abuse so much as some issues he had. I keep fluctuating between thinking he's an abuser and thinking maybe I'm wrong but regardless, I know that relationship was unhealthy and traumatic and probably contributed to my constant drinking. And I really do believe I got the least of it compared to his exes. Anyway, thank you again for your insight, as I said before, it was very helpful! I think I'll be okay if I keep working through this in therapy/group therapy. Jeez sorry this was so long and just complete rambling.

 

I'm really really glad I found this forum because you're all so supportive, and I'm also really really glad I found a peer support agency right down the street from me that has support groups for just about everything and is full of nice supportive people. It's like in both places everyone is understanding of what people are going through, have often experienced similar things, and are just really supportive (I had to use that word again). I'm glad I can get the support in real life then go online and come here. Thank you to everyone who has replied to my posts so far (or even just liked them), when I've worked through more of my own shit and feel like I'm in a place where I can give actual good advice I'd like to try to help some of you too. Honestly, I think talking to other people with similar experiences, such as the support group or here, is more helpful than the individual therapy I pay for - although I do feel that I will always need that too.

 

Hey, it has been a long while since my last post.

I think a few of you were wondering where I had been since last summer.

To summarize, I had a mental breakdown while the plans for my abroad studies didn't pan out, and I fell back into a catatonic state, something that I've been struggling with on and off for years.

This time however, my anxiety levels and my depression got so bad that I stopped reaching out completely. I was living with constant suicidal thoughts that I couldn't imagine talking to my friends anymore. I felt so much shame, like I was a total failure as a person and fucked up everything, that in a way I started thinking the world would be better off without me.

Afterwards, the following 7 months were almost a blur to me. I didn't go back to college. I stopped everything I love doing in my spare time. Quit social medias cold turkey, gave up on everything and everyone, even those who care for me. Even listening to music, playing music and watching shows and movies were impossible. Several suicide attempts were planned but I failed every single one of them. On top of that, my identity issues (= I wish I were born in a different body and gender) didn't alleviate the pain either, so I pretty much resigned myself to my fate.

Somehow, I stopped feeling suicidal around February/March. I'm not sure how but it's very likely reading your posts helped me get rid of my self loathing a little. In the meantime, I was also trying to get accepted at a specialized clinic that treats various illnesses, particularly ones surrounding mental health. I entered it a few days ago and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel hopeless when it comes to my future self, and the pressure of reaching milestones doesn't bother me anymore. In some way, I'm ready to continue on with my life on my own terms.

I want to thank this place for being one of the only ones I still feel safe posting in, the users for making it this way, those who were asking for me. I had +1000 notifications between my emails, social media accounts and this place at one point so I don't remember who to thank in particular, I apologize for that and for not getting the help I needed sooner.

This post went both a little longer and shorter than I admit, but the Wifi around my clinic is almost non existent and I fear that if I don't stop rethinking these words, I will never finally post them.

Thanks again y'all and I'm happy to be part of this community again.

 

I know a lot of us were thinking and asking about you so I'm really happy to see you back! Glad you're doing better

 

Extremely pleased to hear from you, friend

 

I don't blame you for questioning things. Gaslighting is srs business and can make you question everything going on around you and how you feel about things. Without a lot of detail it def sounds like a controlling situation which often indicates abuse, espesh with what u said about gaslighting. I def wouldn't listen to how ur ex explains thing. Ppl like that can spin and leave out details to make u seem irrational or in the wrong. It's another way to victimize and isolate by making u doubt yourself. And he's making it so others doubt u and then don't listen to you as well and u don't have an outlet. It's another form of control. Emotional abuse is so insidious and they know how to spin it when they need to. It's tough. I've been there so if u ever wanna pm me feel totally welcome. Even now I sometimes say my relationship was toxic or just bad because abusive can seem so harsh, even tho I know it was abusive objectively now. And i very rarely call myself a survivor, if ever. I work with many survivors of physical abuse and sometimes I feel like I'm almost cheapening their experience by calling my experience the same thing, but there are different forms of abuse and they are all valid and come with a complex set of feelings and emotions. I think we're conditioned to accept a lot of abusive behavior as normal. But relationships shouldn't be traumatic. Break ups can be hard and awful and devastating but u should not be leaving with feelings of trauma and it's a big indicator that u consider it to be traumatic. I'm sorry you've been thru what u have and that you've had people doubt what you've been thru. Those people failed you and you deserve better than that

 

so good to see you're still around. glad things are looking up. don't be a stranger, alex. so many of us are here for you if you need us

 

Thank you, again, this was really helpful! I don't think I was clear enough but I was talking about two different exes and that makes things confusing because they both operated very differently - the one who I had the issues with alcohol with (in addition to MANY other issues) was not the most recent one I'm trying to figure out. But all of what you said is still true. And about my use of the word traumatic, I agree with you and I've started thinking that listening to yourself when something feels "off" is more of an indicator than some checklist of behaviors. Like, yeah it could just be off because you aren't compatible or you could be in a really fucked up situation and either way you should probably not be in that relationship. If I had listened to my gut instead of looking for signs, I would have left. It didn't help that I was drinking every night, which I had never done before - and I was always like "why am I doing this in a healthy relationship?" because I somehow really did think it was healthy, I had no context for what a healthy relationship looks like. But anyway, it's like how someone I know was saying this guy was saying I love you a month into the relationship, and she thought she felt it too but she was like "do I know him?" - I know from experience that saying "I love you" early on is a HUGE red flag and she is asking if she knows him well so clearly she knows something isn't quite right. I also find myself having trouble feeling like a "survivor" even though logically I know I don't need to compare my experiences of abuse with others. I'm sorry you've been through abuse as well and I admire that you work with other survivors. I actually may PM you at some point, thanks for the offer and thank you again for your replies because they have been very helpful (I know I keep saying that but it's true).

 

oh my god I'm so glad you're here! I was asking a while back in pol and a bunch of chorus users on twitter if they had heard from you bc I noticed all your social media was quiet. I'm really glad you're doing better and I'm so happy to hear from you. I hope you feel even better soon. please always remember that we're here for you and we care!! :) take care of yourself bubs!!

 

Im glad you’re here

 

abuse tw

I have a question for anyone who has dealt with abusers/has knowledge about them. I'm finding a lot of shit online that describes my ex, but here's one I can't really find. Do abusers often talk shit about people who are similar to you - who they clearly look down on - as a way to make you feel bad about yourself or manipulate you without you realizing it? I'm not just talking about exes, although I think he certainly did that ("none of the girls I've dated can take care of themselves" which is really suspicious on his part, and also for the record despite my disability that makes cooking/driving difficult, I always knew alternatives such as microwaves or public transportation so he never HAD to take care of me). ANYWAY, I think I might have mentioned this on the last page, but just as an example - his friend is unemployed and lives at home and doesn't drive, and this all also applies to me due to my disability I'm working on getting under control, but he would ALWAYS go on about how his friend was lazy and needed to get his life together. I'd say "well uhh this all also applies to me" and he'd apologize and say I was different but then do it again and again. Oh and umm - putting himself down along with me - "our friend's girlfriend is younger than us and yet she's more successful" after she graduated college. I literally did not know how to respond to that but it made me feel awful and I thought it was just incredibly tactless but I actually think it might have been intentional? His ex before me graduated, and also he knew in general that I was insecure about not having my degree yet. Someone in the support group I went to said it was gaslighting, but I feel like I still don't have as firm a grasp on that concept yet even for someone who has known the term for years, so I don't quite see how it is.

Anyway sorry I'm sure I already mentioned this all already but is this a form of emotional abuse that some abusers use? It's confusing because it's not outright insulting me (ie you're lazy/worthless/etc) and I can't find any information on it and I just wanted some insight from anyone on here. And I bet so many people would tell me it wasn't abusive.

Jesus christ though, the more I read, the more I can't believe how much all of these abuse tactics I didn't know existed were things my ex did and now I feel pretty confident in saying he's an abusive person and the worst thing is, after knowing him for years, he's the very last person I ever expected that from.

 

I missed you a lot. So glad you're back and I'm very happy you're doing better. I'm always here if you need to talk.

 

im struggling really bad lately. things aren't going too well and my self confidence in every area is super, super low. i just wanna quit sometimes.

 

not sure if this is really the right place, but my cat has started behaving really weird. i have to take her to the vet tomorrow, and i'm hoping it's just some anxiety/boredom thing and not a giant medical problem i can't afford. she is truly the light of my life and the thought of her being sick or dying puts me in such a spiral. i really depend on her to keep me grounded and she has helped me come out of so many depressive episodes by just being there for me. i don't think i could bear it if anything happened to her, she's barely 5 years old.

 

hope she's ok

 

having one of those days where small simple tasks feel impossible

 

Love you. You’re alive and breathing. Sometimes that all you can do. Hang in there.

 

i've been feeling pretty terrible lately and I haven't said anything to anyone about it. I think the shit part is I was looking forward to this past week because the girl I've been seeing is actually here and we've been hanging out but it hasn't really helped, I almost feel kinda guilty about it.

 

I am such a mess lately. Like I'm doing all the right things outwardly. I'm spending time with friends and family and working and eating healthy and going to the gym but I still feel like a mess. I miss aspects of my past that I can't get back and even tho I know things will get better I keep comparing and wishing for things to go back to when i felt happy and confident. Idk. I'm not suicidal like the thought crosses my mind daily but I ultimately don't think I ever would. But it's so much easier to like not exist. I don't wanna die I just wanna not exist which makes no sense lol. But then of course by not existing u miss out on all the good things too but then I'm like oh well wouldn't exist so I wouldn't feel the missing part. But then I know i do wanna exist. Like if I didn't, I wouldn't wear a seatbelt or be cautious of my surroundings or follow the speed limit on the highway. I do things to actively keep myself safe and living. I know i rly just have a bunch of stuff I don't wanna deal with and I'm being stubborn. I need to use this opportunity to grow as a person but I wanna stomp my feet and throw a tantrum cause it's easier to be stagnant lol. There's less pressure and responsibility if things stay the same.

 

did you just describe my day to day life? it has to get better at some point. I hope things look up for you soon

 

Thanks, hope things turn out well for you too!