(Reasons We're Probably Not) Dating Or In A Relationship Thread NSFW • Page 7

Just saying your done, if you still want it to work, seems a poor choice really. It sounds like you need to discuss it with her and you probably need to broach the tough subject and ask whether she just wants a break or whether she actually just wants to break up.

I must admit, if I was told that someone wanted a break so they could explore another option, I'd be pretty unforgiving.

 

I'm pretty upset about the whole thing, but I understand where she is coming from. I had a similar instance years ago in our relationship where I became close with a co-worker and it started to become more than a friendship. I never let it get past flirtation, but I hid it from my gf and she eventually found out. It was tough, but I felt like we got through that and moved on. That was YEARS ago. It's not brought up anymore and I don't think it has anything to do with this "break"

She has said that she doesn't want the break so that she can explore another option, but so that she can focus on herself and have some clarity to decide if she really wants to be with me or not. I get that, but I know she's been talking to someone else, and I know that even though something NEEDS to happen, be it a break or better communication or more time spent nurturing each other or whatever, this is happening at this moment, because she wants to explore this option. This is the part that's the hardest I suppose.

I guess I'm just threatened by the whole thing. I think that if we took a break, and spent time reflecting on our relationship and how we could fix it and truly went into the break with the intentions of stepping back and (hopefully) fixing the problem, then that might work. We'd either decide we want to be together or that it's not meant to be. I'm cool with that. I think we'd probably both realize that we do love each other and that we just need to spend more time actually focusing on our relationship rather than just going through our day to day lives. BUT I think that if we see other people, it's likely that she will be blinded by the idea of "new love" and not spend any time thinking about us and time will just pass and I'll lose her, even if her new thing dies off eventually. Maybe that's what has to happen. I dunno. I'm only interested in continuing this relationship if she's willing to either stay with me and work on it, or take a break and truly not see anyone else.

 

I know I probably sound pathetic and hopeless. Just typing out my thoughts is helping though. Thanks.

 

I guess it just seems to me that you're asking her to respect your desire to fix things and not respecting her desire to have a break. You are judging her by saying she might be blinded by the new love, which essentially means she can't reason in the same way you can, or that her feelings are silly. There's more depth than you care to admit, and I think that is undermining your ability to just take a step back to realize acquiescing to her wishes is for the best. It doesn't really matter whether she's talking to someone or not. Sexual jealousy isn't a reason to be with someone. Believe me, I have stayed with people when I was younger, not out of mutual care, but to keep them for myself, as though they were some sort of object. When all was said and done, I simply felt empty and scared, and they were in pain; the emptiness and the fear was due to me knowing that, barring other things, they'd be elsewhere. That damages you and it damages them, and it is far better to demonstrate your care by walking away than investing more time to prop up a relationship out of pride and an attempt at persevering. This isn't a movie, you don't get the partner by holding them hostage with the past. I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful by saying this. I am trying to show how you're being unfair in your dogged desire to be together when she clearly is not interested, and above all, that is what is important: respecting her and her wishes, even if it hurts. I mean, she's a woman in this world. She has enough men telling her how to feel and think.

 

I couldn't agree with this more. I'm currently going through a breakup and it is fucking awful. Apartment, cats, big city, the works. But at the end of the day, there isn't some magic string of words I can say that is going to make her want to stay and that is totally okay and it's just how it goes. It's a tough pill to swallow for sure. I made sure to say my peace, to let her know how i feel, that I want to be able to work things out, that a relationship takes work and sacrifice but ultimately I can't help her come to those conclusions. If she can't do it on her own, then she isn't the one for me. It's not something I find as a fault in her, it's just that our lives are on different paths than they were years ago when we first began dating. The end of my last relationship was the polar opposite and I made a lot of incredibly stupid mistakes that lead to a lot of pain and heartbreak and i'll be damned if I make those same mistakes again this time around.

Edit: I should also clarify that I too, worry if she's seeing someone else, much like i did in my previous relationship. Ultimately I think I am looking for something, anything to rationalize and make sense of all this - to find some kind of boogyman to pin this all on. Regardless if she is or not, knowing one way or the other simply doesn't affect what I need to focus on in the here and now.

I can only speak from experience obviously but I sincerely hope you keep your head up and know that you'll get through this one way or another.

 

You guys are right. I don't want to be controlling or take ownership of her or anything like that. At the end of the day, if she wants out, I'll allow that. It won't be easy, but it is what it is, and she deserves to make up her own mind. I do feel like I should make it known that (to me) our relationship is worth fighting for and that I'm don't want a break, but if that's what she needs I understand. I hope she will be able to recognize all the love I have for her and see that our relationship has declined simply because we've neglected it, not because we've tried and failed. We haven't really done anything to fix our problems.

If she wants to leave me, that's her choice, I can't stop her, and don't want a forced relationship anyways. But I feel like she doesn't really want to leave me, she just wants drastic change and is looking for it wherever she can. I just don't know what to tell/show her to prove how serious I am about making a change and working together to fulfill each other... because frankly I'm only doing something now that I have to, which saddens me that I didn't have enough foresight to do something before now. I honestly took her for granted.

 

I honestly wish I didn't fight for a second chance with my ex. He was a mama's boy - he'd tell her literally everything. All the details. I didn't find this out until post break-up. And she enabled his manipulative and guilt-tripping behavior. And she looked for excuses to make any girl in his life feel bad - she had to be involved no matter what. The weekend I stayed over with him and his family, I heard his parents and him talking about me in their bedroom...I had never felt so humiliated. He talked about honoring his parents and such. He made me feel bad for any anxiety I had while he couldn't admit any of his wrong-doings. He even said to me "I didn't say sorry cause I didn't feel like I did anything wrong." Rather he was one to give a faux-apology, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" and all that bullshit. I should have broken up with him months prior but it was my first relationship and I was caught in it so badly. I was definitely not mature enough to deal with it the way I should have. It was a mess and I regret even going out with him at all. The break-up was much harder on me than I thought it would be. I'm left with terrible physical health issues, and it's been almost two years.

 

I have no good experiences with taking a break.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that, Lightning.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm on these forums because I don't talk to anyone about my relationship. Which is probably part of the reason I'm in the situation I'm in.

 

If it matters at all, I took a break with a past girlfriend who at the time I'd been dating for a little over a year. She was also talking to another guy at the time but I realized if that's what she wanted I can't stop her from pursuing that and I actually ended up being the one pulling the plug, so to speak. Long story short, the guy ended up trying to pull some not cool shit right after and ruined their friendship. It would definitely not have been appropriate for me to pull some vindictive told-you-so-shit so I just listened and tried to sympathize, put my own shit aside for a second and realized she had been betrayed by someone she perceived as a friend which sucks. Over the course of a month we reconnected and started dating again and things we're a LOT better. We ended up breaking up 8 or so months later for unrelated reasons, but I think the prior break was effective. I think the important thing to keep in mind is that it's wrong to turn the relationship into something it's not -- it's not more important than the actual person you're seeing and that person has to be respected as such.

 

omg I feel you sis. My ex had a weird relationship with his mom in that they didn't talk or see each other all that often but when they did he told her EVERYTHING. Like naw sorry I don't want your mom knowing that my period is late! We're not close like that. I remember pulling the "I want a break" card when I wanted to break up but was scared of how he'd take it. Ultimately I broke up with him and I think the hardest part for me wasn't losing him or anything, but the realization of how I'd been treated and no longer denying that the relationship was abusive and thinking of all the little things he did that were terrible and cruel that I never realized at the time.

I don't mean to make it about me but I related a lot to the last part of your post. I know sometimes people say that experiences make you stronger and turn you into the person you are, and on good days I agree, but some days it honestly feels like it's not fair and nobody should have to go through that just to grow. idk what I'm trying to say but I'm so glad you got out of that relationship. I hope you're doing better now bb

 

Why do you think the changes she's seeking are "drastic"? Perhaps you should ask her about what she feels is currently missing from the relationship and listen, truly, to what she says. It's likely that the changes she's searching for are simply answers to the problems you have admittedly done nothing to fix.

Does she share your interest in attempting to repair the relationship? If so, offer solutions about what you're prepared to contribute to the process, paying particular attention to how you'll address her concerns. Clarify your issues with the relationship and discuss how you'd like to address them.

 

I agreed to a weeklong trip with somebody I knew for like two weeks. A+, would recommend. Enjoy, friend! You'll be fine.

 

I have came to the conclusion that the only way for me to have a chance at not being single is to join e-harmony or match, which will not happen. I really feel like my friend keeps trying to set me up with this guy she is friends with, but I don't find him attractive. She says things like "he has a great job" and "he knows how to cook", but I don't think those things are that important when it comes down to looking for a mate. I don't know how else to meet guys because I don't go out much nor do I get invited to go out anymore.

 

Aw but you could meet your SO anywhere. Could be at school/work, the mall, a park, anywhere! And just out of curiosity, why are you against joining e-harmony or match?

 

I finished school, didn't meet anyone, work…I'm trying to find someone more "career" so I can quit my current job. I've tried the free sites like pot and okc, had no luck, same guys, no lie. I tried those sites on and off and its the SAME guys that are on there. Plus the guys in my area sucks. With the bad luck I had, I don't want to waste the money trying match or e-harmony. It's kinda pricy, and I don't have the extra money for something like that.

 

This thread reminds me that maybe being single isn't so bad.

 

I think that the changes she's seeking are drastic, because she's taking drastic measures to resolve them. She's not the type to seek out other guys or ask for a break. We've been together for 12 years and even through our hardest times, she's never talked about leaving. I think we've just reached a breaking point, that both of us can see, and she's scared as to what the future holds. She just turned 30 recently and I think she's wondering if I'm the right one for her after all this time. 12 years is a long time to spend with someone. Luckily we've chosen not to have kids, but we do have dogs. Going through everyday life for this long, it's easy to forget why you're together and we've let the romance/togetherness kind of fall to the way side. The days have been monotonous, and we've gotten more and more irritated with each other, but I feel like that's all because we've let it become that way and never tried to mix things up AT ALL. I talked to her a little last night and this morning. I didn't pour my soul out or plead for another chance, just told her that I'm sorry we're in this situation and that I love her and hope that we can both be happy. She said sorry too and said she loves me. I'm going to give her a little time to sort things out. I'm trying to set aside jealously and understand that she just wants to be happy. I think she does have the same interest to repair the relationship, but she's at a crossroads where she doesn't think/know if that will work, so she's kind of resistant to giving that a shot... maybe given a little more time, but I can't force anything.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. You'll see so much stuff there'll be plenty to talk about. Also, there is nothing wrong with being silent together, if that makes sense.

 

How do you guys feel about the difference between dating and being in a relationship. What's the line that you cross to go from the first to the second, or is there and it just kind of happens?

The girl I've been seeing has been pretty upfront about wanting to date, but that we don't have to be in a relationship. I've never really seen too much of a difference between the two. And I'm really hesitant (as explained in my earlier post) about getting into something serious, but am open to the idea of something more casual and non-serious, but "exclusive" (that term is sounds so high school). We're going to an art museum to walk around and talk about it tomorrow, but I figured i'd throw it out there to get advice/comments I guess.

 

I have never realized there was a difference between the two. I don't know if I am just not understanding clearly because English is not my first language but I always thought being in a relationship with someone meant that you were dating them. So from what I'm understanding, you want to date her and you want it to be an exclusive relationship but you don't want it to be serious?

I'm not sure I understand this part - "The girl I've been seeing has been pretty upfront about wanting to date, but that we don't have to be in a relationship."

Does that mean she wants to go out on dates with you but doesn't want you to be boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

yeah I don't think it's an English thing haha, that's a bit confusing

 

I usually say I'm seeing someone or dating around if it's casual and not exclusive and just mostly hanging out and getting acquainted. I'd say I'm in a relationship if we were like exclusive or went on trips together or like met each others family. But idk I usually bail when I feel like it's crossing over into that relationship line lol. I'm sure it's different for everybody, espesh those that aren't "exclusive" with one partner

 

My cousin calls every guy she's had an "emotional connection" with an ex, even if they were just dating or talking. I found that weird.